… as a result of the labours left unfinished crowned by the Acacacacademy of Anthropopopometry of Essy-in-Possy of Testew and Cunard it is established beyond all doubt all other doubt than that which clings to the labours of men that as a result of the labours unfinished of Testew and Cunard it is established as hereinafter but not so fast …
[Sam Beckett: Waiting for Godot]
Not so fast, indeed.
It’s been said I’m just an ‘ideas man’. Not necessarily very good ideas, I’ll grant you that, but plenty of them. It’s also been said that I’m a lazy bastard, which is harder, in all honesty, to argue with.
At all times, I carry a document which lists many of these gems of inspiration, on the off chance that a moment of motivation coincides with one of ‘what-to-do?’ Most of them come under the heading On the back burner, but if it was a real back burner, one of those large steel hotplates in professional kitchens, A, it would have to be the size of Glasgow and ii, everything on it would have dried out and burnt to a crisp by now.
But as has been said, the main justification for this blogging as an exercise in self-indulgence, as in the best it is, is to get the creative juices flowing and to focus thoughts. So I thought I’d extract and categorise the things in that list, to give you, my poor reader, some idea of the sheer breadth of the shite my brane comes up with and my body refuses to realise. I may be shallow, but I am certainly broad. But also (and mainly) I do it to remind myself, and in front of witnesses (this means you), of what things I bloody ought to be getting on with. That way I, and even some of you, can encourage (as in, hey, that’s a pretty good idea, you really should work on it) and even nag mercilessly (as in, get off your arse [ass], you lazy, good-for-nothing twat [vagina]). Or maybe introduce a note of much-needed, disillusioning realism (as in, for fuck’s sake get a day job — and don’t give it up).
Feel free to steal anything you fancy; all property is theft, intellectual property doubly so; you’ll probably make a better job of it, and it’s not as if I’ll ever finish any of ’em. Then again, a mention or even a donation would be nice, if you do make something out of it. But just bear in mind that it may be more profitable to employ the goose, than to steal one golden egg. Mail me.
So, here goes — things what I thinks about doing:
- My website, most of which is in dire need of rejigging
- Solo — a mobile phone application for lonely bastards to take advantage of BOGOF offers
- Two novvles are writted, Mr Poonlop’s Seventh Holiday and Fardel’s Bear, one pour les enfants, t’other very much not so. One is staying with a publisher just now, but I expect it home any day, probably with one of those rejection slips in its luggage.
- Sequels are planned and even started: Mr Poonlop’s Second Book and Current’s Turn.
- My more accessible and even sillier book for an adult (but childish) audience, Knights in the Gardens of Spayne, has stalled about 25% in. It’s about the fortunes of a once-nearly-great football (soccer) team, reduced to playing home games in people’s back gardens when they’re out. What happens when they accidentally get involved in the nation’s premier knockout competition …? Hilarity ensues, that’s what (you probably guessed that).
- I have notes telling me to finish an unmarketable multi-genre thing called The Old Piano Factory, an unpublishable picaresque romp called The Adventures of Corsica Brand, Buccaneer and his Trusty Sidekick, Lyon Bailey, and two incomprehensible pieces of post modernism gone mad, called Perfect Alibi by Ken Longman and Blank Reflection by G M Paine. And there’s a who-didn’t-do-it thriller, set in a world where murder is compulsory (ie where the Aztecs colonised Europe instead).
- I still need to sell 58 copies of my comic collection of pomes, Parodies Lost, to recoup the printing costs, but I’ve nearly completed the second volume, This Side of Parodies; I just need to do the illustrations. You could help things along by buying copies! Also available on Amazon UK, if you don’t trust me direct.
- Assorted pomes keep getting added to the website, when I feel like it. It comes in bursts.
- Seeing that you can now buy leggings with the text of Hamlet printed on them, inspired me to bring out a collection of original verse, only available on leggings. Each pome would have to be germane, however obliquely, to the part of the wearer it graced, of course (and whomever she was happy to have see it). Probably won’t happen.
- There are other books I’ve thought of but done little about, like Over my Shoulder, a book designed to annoy or amuse nosey people next to you on bus or subway, with unfinished stories, promises of the key to untold wealth on the next page (which you keep not quite turning to) and even steamy passages interrupted with, Oi, you! Don’t you have anything of your own to read?!
- And the very brilliant Virgin and Child (with Money), a social satire made up entirely of newspaper and magazine pages, detailing the journey from Land’s End to John O’Groats of a young, naked woman, accompanied by a small child and carrying a sack of gold (there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation!).
- I keep thinking I should do something about publishing All for a Bet and My Fourth Counting Book. If you follow this link you’ll get a vague idea of the alphabet part — A is for Giraffe, with a picture of a policeman, and so on. I don’t like kids, me.
- I wasn’t on Twitter for long before it bored my arse (ass) off. But then the phrase ‘tweet what I eat’ popped into my head. That rhymes! I thought, I’ll do that. At first that’s all I did: ‘Spag Bol’, ‘Thai Curry’. I thought of it as situationist performance art, ‘cos I’m pretentious like that. Then someone (I had followers?!) asked if he could have a recipe for my Moroccan tagine and I said not in 140 characters. Then an acquaintance suggested I could put recipes on my website and link to them. So I did. And I do. I think all of them are cookable, some are original (like my off-key lime pie and friendly kakapo[pic]), I hope a lot of them are amusing too.
- And there’s a load of short stories planned, so I might add some of them here, as they get writted. In which case I won’t give any ideas away just now.
Next week I think I’ll give you my silliest short story (they’re getting worryingly macabre and gruesome). Then I’ll get back to listing the unrealised projects.
Oh, yes. There’s loads more. Drama, film, song, visual art, a gallery, a food carry-oot (takeaway), a card game, office stationery equipment …
I hate to depress you, but that lot was just the thin end of the iceberg.